I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
