sorry about calling you the devil all night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
