nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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