Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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