I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize