So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
