Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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