i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
