As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
