Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
