I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
