Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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