fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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