the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
