its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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