Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
