Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
