After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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