If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
