Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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