All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
