we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
