oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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