So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
