Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
