i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
