one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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