I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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