I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
