I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
