mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
