I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
