we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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