"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
is that a dick in a sweater?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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