I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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