3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
