well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize