I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
