I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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