you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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