I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
