i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
