when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
