i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
