At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
