i barfeds in our rink
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
