tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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