if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
