it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
