i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My liver just had a heart attack.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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