The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
