i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
