They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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