I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I cut my penus on the lid.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
This baby is an asshole
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We don't watch enough power rangers
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
