Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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